Tag:Chicago Cubs
Posted on: October 6, 2011 11:36 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:14 am

Predictions of The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

D.P. Wire Report 10/6/11 5:27p.m.

According to the Mayan calendar, the world will come to an end on Dec. 21st 2012.  Count sports prognosticator Noah Tall among the believers.  In fact, in an exclusive D.P. interview with Mr. Tall, he says that the winners of the next 4 major sports seasons, not counting the ongoing MLB playoffs, will be the telltale signs of the harbingers of doom.  In fact, beyond the soon to be crowned World Series winner, each sport has exactly one championship game or series left in them.  Noah gives his Four Horsemen of the Sports Apocalypse, in order.

NFL- Detriot Lions.  Here Mr. Tall seems to be out to a good start.  The only team to go 0-16 in NFL history is off to a 4-0 start, and seems destined for a playoff berth.  Whether the Lions can take that next step in winning a game they have yet to participate in remains to be seen.  Noah also predicts that after this event, Harold Camping will make yet another stab at the date of Rapture.

NHL- New York Islanders.  Another team with recent struggles, but a storied history, are thought by most experts to be a fringe playoff team for the 2012 Stanley Cup.  Mr. Tall says that shortly after this portent of the end comes to fruition, all hockey rinks will melt (not hard to imagine since the Cup is awarded in June) and hell will freeze over.  Noah does admit that the second one will be hard to prove.

NBA- New Jersey Nets.  Just two years removed from an absymal 12-70 regular season record, Noah Tall believes that the Nyets financial backing of Russian Gazillionaire Mikhail Prokhorov and business leadership of Jay-Z will lead them to the promised land.  He also believes that NBA fans everywhere will gouge out their eyes as the playoff broadcasts show Kim Kardashian 80 million times.  When pointed out that Kris Humphries is a free agent, Noah retorted, "Damnit, I know it all!  Kris will be a Net.  It's in the cards."

MLB- Chicago Cubs.  As if there was any doubt as to what the most telltale sign of the world's demise would be, Noah says the Cubs lifting the World Series trophy will be as the opening of the 7th Seal.  Tall claims there's a saying attributed to Nostradamus that states, "When the little bears from the windy place capture the pennant, the end is nigh."  "But I'm 100 times better than that hack," says Noah.

So there you have it, the four things to watch out for that might truly signal the end of the world.  Personally, I'm not quite ready to call it a career, so, does anybody know where Steve Bartman is nowadays?

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